Lessons Learned

After I have my babies, I have a horrible time with anxiety. I never have depression, just ridiculous amounts of anxiety. I constantly dwell on the "what if's" in life for a few months after my babies are born. What if my baby dies of SIDS? What if one of my other kids gets in a car accident? What if one of my kids gets kidnapped? I try to constantly remind myself that these "What If's" have always existed, and that I have never let them bother me to this degree before. I also try to optimistically remind myself that life's odds are in my favor that my baby won't die of SIDS, and that my older kids will not die in a car accident or get kidnapped. These optimistic reassurances help, but only temporarily.
From what I have gathered, my feelings are fairly normal. Although this isn't something that I really realized other new moms also struggle with until this time. Now being a nurse, I have tried to find "logical explanations" for these feelings. Maybe it's a hormonal thing related to pregnancy and nursing hormones that dissipates over time. Maybe it's nature's way of ensuring that we care enough to properly care for these new little people. While I do actually think that these facets are tied into these temporary feelings experienced by many new moms, I have learned a very spiritual lesson this time around.
I asked Josh to give me a blessing a few weeks ago. This helped SO MUCH, but I still struggled with these feelings at times. So, each and every single time I prayed, I began asking Heavenly Father to help me with this extreme anxiety. Since my anxiety is primarily related to something catastrophic happening to one of my children, I also spent a fair amount of time praying that Heavenly Father would keep us all physically and spiritually safe through the course of the day.
Last Friday, I said my usual prayers. I asked Heavenly Father to help with my anxiety, and to keep my kids safe like I always requested of him. However, then, almost without even realizing it, I found I was praying for something I had never prayed about until that day. After telling Heavenly Father how thankful I was for my children and Husband, and pleading with him to keep them safe (like I always do), I realized that I had then told Heavenly Father that I would want for more than anything to always have my children with me here on Earth. I then proceeded to tell him that although this is what I want, that his will is the most important thing for me to fulfill in this life, and if it ever came to a point that his will was different than what I was praying for, that I would understand, have faith, and be obedient and loving to my Heavenly Father that knows what is best for me far more than I know what is best for myself.
When I realized that I had turned such a direction in my prayer, I almost became fearful for a moment. In my head I feared that somehow saying these things was like I was granting permission for something horrible to happen to one of us. However, having faith that there must be a reason I went such a direction, I simply closed my prayer, having faith that Heavenly Father has always taken care of me, and that he would continue to do so.
It has been 5 days since that prayer. Guess what has not happened? Nobody has had a horrible accident, and we are in fact, all still alive and well. Yet, profoundly, guess what has happened? My anxiety is gone COMPLETELY. I am back to my normal self. However, it wasn't until this morning that I linked that prayer and my sudden improvement.
This whole weekend, I just kept thinking to myself  "I am so glad I'm feeling better. My little guy is 3 months old now, and whatever caused this anxiety must be dissipating". I was relieved to be back to my "normal self". Today, as I was saying my morning prayers, I learned something profound. The spirit of the Holy Ghost confirmed to me that it was not coincidence that I began feeling better on Friday. Yet, that this improvement was tied to my prayer being answered. Yet, Heavenly Father didn't answer when it was simply selfishly motivated. He answered my prayer when I was willing to have a less than desirable outcome for myself, if this was in fact, Heavenly Father's will for me.
This little miracle in my life caused me to reflect on the Old Testament story of Abraham and Isaac. I have often thought why this experience even had to take place. But, it is amazing how our little ones can teach us things that we can learn in no other way. Thankfully for me, my lesson came from rather small experiences in relation to the confusion, anxiety, and worry Abraham must have experienced. However, as he was obedient, he was then blessed with the promise that his descendants would be as numerous as the stars of Heaven and as the sand on the seashore. How would the plan have been thwarted if Abraham had not had the faith to obey? To submit to the will of Heavenly Father NO MATTER WHAT? Heavenly Father gave us all that we have. Our greatest gift given from him is our family. We cannot think that we can somehow ever change his will by refusing to share what he already gave us (considering that he ever needs this to be the case). Obviously, in the story of Abraham and Isaac, Heavenly Father was never intending on taking Isaac back with him. Instead, he had TREMENDOUS blessings to give to Abraham, but only after he knew that his faith and obedience exceeded anything that Abraham may desire for himself.
It was on my knees today that I realized the real peace came when I was willing to do whatever was necessary (if needed) to submit to my Heavenly Father's will. What do we have to feel turmoil about if we know that we have committed ourselves WHOLLY AND COMPLETELY to Heavenly Father, our Savior, and their will for us? When we understand this and apply it in our lives, we will feel peace that we have never felt before and experience blessings that Heavenly Father knows we are prepared to receive.